High
by FlyAndDontLookBack
Summary: Kuroo enjoys the time he has with his boyfriend and lover, Tsukishima Kei. Then the sparkling background turns pitch black and Kuroo finds himself spiraling down an endless pit of darkness calling for a name that is no longer there. song: High by Zella Day. trigger warning: drug abuse. charadeath
**First Haikyuu! fic, so I really hope you guys like it :)**

 **I am a hardcore KuroTsukki shipper, along with 4TP BokuAkaKuroTsukki, so it's no surprise that my first fic would contain at least two of these people. I just really didn't think it would turn out this sad. I'm just an angst writer, it would seem, and I really hope that you guys get as much feels as I did.**

 **For those who follow my KNB fics, I _will_ upload one of my stories soon, so don't sweat.**

 **This story was inspired by a song called _High_ by _Zella Day X Vanic_. You should really check this song out, it's pretty awesome :)**

 **And, can I just say how I'm seeing a pattern here? My first KnB story was also a one-short and ridiculously big. This one's pretty much the same and I'm face-palming at the fact that I can't keep my writings short. _le sigh_. Whatever, it still might be enjoyable.**

 **And so, without further ado, here's the story!**

* * *

 _ **DISCLAIMER**_

 **Drug abuse, overdose, implied depression, major character death**

 **(I don't know much about drugs so if I wrote anything that is wrong or has offended you in any way, I apologize in advance)**

* * *

"Kuroo-san, you're too heavy. Are exercising properly?" The black-haired man hums as he slowly opens his eyes. They meet beautiful gold along the way, a color he can't help but get sucked into.

"I am." He replies and the man looking at him rolls his beautiful gold, sparkly eyes. Kuroo shifts his head a bit to make both himself and his lover's thighs more comfortable. When had he lied down on the man's legs? He must've slept unknowingly on their date.

"You are a terrible liar, Kuroo-san." The man replies and Kuroo slightly laughs. The sun glows brighter and the grass around them starts to sparkle. So does the man himself.

"Tsukki, you of all people should know that that phrase itself is a lie." Kuroo says with a laugh and Tsukishima Kei, Kuroo Tetsuuro's lover, gives him a small, minuscule smile. That gesture alone takes Kuroo's breath away.

Tsukishima's poker face returns. "Will you please get off me now? I wasn't lying when I said you were too heavy."

"Aw, don't you like the weight of your own boyfriend's head?" Kuroo teases and Tsukishima harrumphs.

"No. Now please get off me." Tsukishima says once more and Kuroo laughs at his annoyed expression. He knows Tsukishima still loves him, still wants him there, but still complies as he lifts his head from Tsukishima's thighs and leans onto his side, next to his lover.

"So, Tsukki." Kuroo begins as he puts his head on his hand. "What else do you want to do for our one year anniversary?"

He shrugs. "Whatever you want, Kuroo-san. I already pitched in my idea so it's your turn."

Kuroo smiles. "Yeah, your picnic idea was nice. The sun's out and it's so warm. I love it."

"I picked a good spot." Tsukishima says proudly, and Kuroo can't help but think that his blond beauty is adorable doing so.

He agrees. "It is." Then, he pretends to think. "Since you _are_ giving me the chance to pick, there's no take backsies, right?"

"Kuroo-san, what are you thinking?" Tsukishima's voice is filled with doubt, making Kuroo laugh once more. Then, he lifts his body up and crashes it down onto Tsukishima's. In such a provocative position, Tsukishima can't help but blush slightly. Kuroo licks his lips; he always loves it when Tsukishima shows him such unmasked, purely innocent faces.

"Let's go back to my apartment."

Tsukishima gulps visibly. "Kuroo-san, what are you planning?"

Kuroo smirks as he lowers his face and tilts it slightly to match his lips with Tsukishima's. When he pulls back, he takes in the look Tsukishima has. Absolutely beautiful.

"I think you know by now." He pauses and growls, "Kei."

Tsukishima squirms under Kuroo, unable to process how Kuroo just called his name. He puts his hands on Kuroo's chest. "Please get off me. We're in public."

Kuroo's eyebrow raises suggestively. "So, my apartment?" He sees Tsukishima struggling to speak but knows that even he wanted to, it would come out as a crack and would embarrass himself further. Kuroo never thinks that, though; it just turns him on more.

His beautiful, sparkling lover turns his head as the blush spreads throughout his cheeks and he nods once. Kuroo knows he's just as desperate as he is.

He stands up and lends out a hand for Tsukishima, who takes it unknowingly. Kuroo pulls on his wrist strongly and Tsukishima lands on his hard chest. The blond blinks for a second and looks up to see Kuroo smiling mischievously, much like a black cat, innocent at first but just waiting just the right moment to spread its bad luck and mischief.

"Let's go." Kuroo purrs and the scene turns a pitch black as he carries his beloved, sparkling Tsukishima away. The blond can't do anything but bury his face onto Kuroo's chest to prevent him from watching his slimming cheeks getting redder.

* * *

Bro, stop, stop, it hurts, what are you doing? Stop hitting me! What was that for?

What do you mean I was out of it? I have no idea what you're talking about. And thanks to you, I just lost one of the most beautiful dreams I ever had. How could you?

Bro, hey, what's wrong? Why are you crying?

.

.

.

Stop. I'm not listening to this anymore. I already accepted it. I'm past it.

Don't give me that look. I'm not lying.

Stop looking at me like that. Just stop.

Fine, maybe I'm still coping with it. How is that a bad thing? Can't you just let me feel this one time? I felt _happy_. Isn't that enough?

What do you mean it isn't? I'm not killing myself. What's wrong with trying to cope with it? What's so wrong?

Just… Just leave me alone. I can live my life just fine. I'm doing just fine.

* * *

"You know most people would ask their boyfriend to a date right after asking them out?" Kuroo teases Tsukishima on the phone.

He can practically hear the blush forming on his lover's cheeks. "If you don't want to, then fine, we don't have to. Don't even know why I asked in the first place. And for your information, it was you who confessed first, Kuroo-san." Tsukishima mumbles and Kuroo thinks it's absolutely adorable.

"Aw, don't be such a downer, Tsukki. Of course I'll go on a date with you. And if I remember correctly, you were the one who asked me if we could start a relationship. Technically, you were the one who asked me out." Kuroo retorts jokingly, a smile on his face as he shifts his cellphone from his left ear to his right.

Tsukishima merely huffs but Kuroo knows that the blond's been defeated.

"Where do you want to go?" Kuroo asks.

"Where do _you_ want to go, Kuroo-san?" Tsukishima asks back.

Kuroo rolls his eyes. "I just asked you the same thing, Tsukki."

"You can pick."

"You can."

"You."

"No, you."

And the next few minutes consist of the same repeated banter, same repeated words, same repeated smile on Kuroo's face as he further makes Tsukishima flustered. In the end, it's Tsukishima that relents, though Kuroo's completely predicted that.

"Fine, would you like to go to the movies? _Jurassic World_ is coming out today."

"Oho? I didn't expect Tsukki to be a dinosaur fan." Kuroo teases and Tsukishima splutters.

"I am not, Kuroo-san."

Kuroo simply laughs. "I'll make sure to get you something dinosaur related for our one year anniversary. Wow, I can't believe there's only a few months until our anniversary, right Tsukki?"

There's a pause, making Kuroo stop as well. There's something unsettling about it. It's as if the sound has completely cut off. Then, "You don't really think this relationship will last long, do you?" Tsukishima asks quietly, so quietly that Kuroo has to strain his ears to hear.

When he does, he can't help but explode. "Tsukki, don't for a second think I'm ever letting you go, do you understand?" He growls menacingly, just like a cat threatening another that invaded its territory.

There's another silence and when Kuroo looks down on his phone, he sees nothing. He panics for a second, blinks several times, and when he looks down again, it's there. He presses it against his ear and lets the cool metal reassure him.

Tsukishima begins to speak. "I apologize for asking such a stupid question." Kuroo hears some clicking, most likely from a keyboard. "There's one at 7:30. Would you like to see it then?"

Kuroo remembers the movie. "Sure. I'll see you there." And before he can reassure to himself and both Tsukishima that they would be together for an eternity past, Tsukishima clicks off and Kuroo finds himself listening to nothing on the other side.

* * *

I'm tired, bro. Really tired. Where's the other pile?

Huh? What do you mean you threw it away? Bro, do you know how expensive that is? Why would you throw it away like that?

Fuck you, bro. Not cool.

Heh, found it. Knew you'd never _actually_ throw it out. Even you should know how expensive this shit is. And what good shit it is.

Bro, you're worrying too much. It's just to help me sleep. You know I haven't been able to sleep well lately. What's so wrong?

Nothing. Nothing's wrong. I'm tired. And I want to be happy again. You'd help me, wouldn't you? Help me be happy again?

Bro, I'm running out. I need you to get more. I'd go myself but I'm a bit too sleepy. The bed's too comfortable.

Huh?… Yeah, it was his bed, too. Maybe that's why I just don't want to move.

Bro, do this for me, please. I'm feeling happy again. I know I'm going to need more to stay like this. Please?

.

.

.

Thank you.

* * *

"Megane-kun, I guess we'll be seeing each other soon." Kuroo says while leaning against the door. Tsukishima jumps at the sudden new voice intruding but soon regains his calm.

"We have no choice." Tsukishima says coldly. Kuroo merely laughs.

"Well, I'll be waiting. Let's practice more blocking when you get back here, ok?"

Tsukishima stiffens. "I can do it on my own."

"Are you sure?" Kuroo smirks as he walks over to his blond beauty. The classroom, which had been used for the Karasuno crows to sleep in, is now empty as Tsukishima is the last person to pack his things. The others are probably waiting outside, saying their goodbyes and declarations to one another.

For now, this is Kuroo's and Tsukishima's moment alone.

Tsukishima acts calm even as the third year approaches him. "I am. You're too close. Please move." He says as he tries to push the black-haired man away. Kuroo doesn't go anywhere.

"I like you, Megane-kun." He purrs next to Tsukishima's ear and Tsukishima jumps back, his eyes wildly looking at the mischievous cat in front of him. Kuroo's smirk widens and Tsukishima tries to regain his composure.

"What?" Tsukishima is able to choke out, and, completely unlike him, takes the sleeping bag, which is still sprawled onto the floor, and holds it in front of him, as if to protect him from any harm, mainly Kuroo himself.

Kuroo laughs. "No need to have protective armor, Megane-kun." His hands are in front of him and Tsukishima's guard lowers slightly.

"You're joking." Tsukishima states but Kuroo shakes his head.

"I assure you, I'm not."

"Why me?"

"Why _not_ you?"

Tsukishima huffs as the sleeping bag falls and he crosses his arms. For one, I'm a man."

"And? It's not uncommon for guys to like other guys."

"I didn't think you swung that way."

Kuroo smiles. "Well, there's a lot of things you don't know about me, then. Would you like to know?" He steps closer and prevents Tsukishima from grabbing the sleeping bag once more. He leads Tsukishima to the wall and pins him so that he won't escape. Tsukishima squirms underneath.

"You're too close."

"Really, because I think I'm not close enough."

"Why me? Even if you did like guys, there were plenty to choose from. Why me?"

"And I say this again, why _not_ you? I like you, Megane-kun."

Tsukishima suddenly scoffs, catching Kuroo slightly off guard. He lets some room between them and Tsukishima crosses his arms once more. "I don't believe you for a second."

Kuroo blanches. "Why's that?"

"You've never once said my name."

There's a silence that is impenetrable as the two volleyball fanatics look at each other. The outside clamor dims and there's only one light that shines down and it's on Tsukishima only, making Kuroo a shadow in the dark.

Kuroo longs for the man in front of him, longs to lavish him, break him, and love him with everything he can. The sarcasm, the boredom, the annoyance that Tsukishima Kei harbors in his everyday life, Kuroo wants to break and let new emotions emerge.

There's nothing more Kuroo wants than to love his blond sunshine.

He smiles. "Tsukki."

There's a gush of wind combing through Tsukishima's hair. Kuroo wonders if there's even a window to let the wind in. It's no matter, Kuroo thinks, because it compliments the beauty even further. Tsukishima Kei looks absolutely beautiful with his face slowly yet surely going redder.

And finally, Tsukishima responds back. "Kuroo-san."

The wind knocks out of the Kuroo's breath and in that moment, everything around them glitters a beautiful golden and it's a wonder how Kuroo isn't blinded by the sunshine in front of him. He subconsciously hugs Tsukishima tightly and notes the big difference in their bodies. Tsukishima, unlike Kuroo, is slim, bodily composure not nearly as bulky as Kuroo. Compared to Kuroo's muscle induced body, Tsukishima is lanky but still soft to the touch.

Kuroo buries his face onto Tsukishima's boney shoulder. "That's the first time you called my name."

He can feel Tsukishima hesitate before putting his hand on to Kuroo's back and squeezing it slightly. "I could say the same for you, Kuroo-san."

The way Tsukishima rolls the 'r' in his name makes Kuroo swoon. He wonders what it will sound like if Tsukishima ever says his given one.

"I like you, Tsukki. I like you a lot." Kuroo's voice is muffled but it sounds as clear as a sky-blue day. There are no clouds to shadow and darken the room. "Do you like me back?" He asks and waits for an answer while still hugging him like his life depends on it. Again, he doesn't fail to notice the how small Tsukishima is compared to him.

"I don't know." Tsukishima finally whispers back but Kuroo doesn't lose hope, even when the room suddenly darkens and Kuroo feels heavy.

"Does that mean I still have a chance?" He slurs as he slumps into Tsukishima's body. His forehead hits the wall that just had Tsukishima pinned against it and Kuroo's suddenly alert, his eyes darting wildly in search for his sunshine.

"Tsukki?" He calls out desperately, a feeling of dread pooling his gut. "Tsukki?"

"I'll think about it, Kuroo-san." Tsukishima answers out of nowhere and the heaviness suddenly lifts; Kuroo feels like he can carry the entire world on his shoulders. Tsukishima is back in place, still against the wall, still hugging Kuroo, whose heart is close to bursting.

He takes a deep breath to calm himself down. Tsukishima is still here with him. "You better say yes, Tsukki. I won't stop until you do." Kuroo says as he squeezes the thin man harder. Tsukishima chokes silently and Kuroo is completely oblivious to it.

When he finally lets go, he takes a hold of Tsukishima's phone. Tsukishima starts to object but Kuroo has already called and saved Tsukishima's phone number onto his, and vice versa. He cheekily grins as he hands the phone back and Tsukishima gives him a stink eye before checking his contacts and seeing Kuroo's phone number on it.

"There. Now, I can contact you every day until you give me an answer." Kuroo says and Tsukishima groans.

"You're a pain, Kuroo-san."

Kuroo is already in front of the door with his phone pressed close to his lips. "Hope you make up your mind, Tsukki. I'll be waiting!" Kuroo leaves, unable to stop smiling.

When he's halfway down the corridor, he decides to turn back. There's no harm in coming out of the Shinzen High School with Tsukishima, right? He wants to spend as much time as he can with his sunshine.

But when he arrives, he stays frozen in his place. Because right there, in front of him, is Tsukishima Kei, curled up into a ball, hands close to ripping his hair, and choking out small cries as tears fall down his face and hit the ground, making an unbearable sound that Kuroo just can't take.

Drip, fall, bang _._ The three same sounds resonate inside Kuroo's ears.

Drip, fall, _bang._

Unlike how Kuroo was, smiling like there was nothing to care about in this world, Tsukishima is crying heartbreakingly, as if the world had burned and fallen down right before his eyes, and Kuroo can't do anything but watch as the blond slowly drives himself into oblivion.

* * *

He was crying.

Who do you think I'm talking about? Tsukki, bro, I was talking about Tsukki!

I remember. He was crying, the first time I confessed. He was crying as if the world had already ended. And I did nothing to help him. I just watched because I didn't know what to do.

Why was he crying?

.

.

.

You're right. I'm an idiot.

He knew it, even then, didn't he?

He knew, and he still said yes. I wonder why he would torture both of us like that.

Why he would torture me like that.

* * *

"Congratulations, Kuroo-san." Kuroo whips his head around to see Tsukishima Kei hiding behind a beautiful bouquet of white lilies, laced together with a red ribbon. Kuroo leaves the company of the other graduated third years, who are, at the moment, all crying and high-fiving each other on a job well done. They had made it. They had survived.

"You actually came." Kuroo says in unmasked surprise, and his face expression is genuine this time. Time stops, faces stop moving, the wind stops howling, and it's only Kuroo and Tsukishima on stage.

Tsukishima is still hiding behind the while lilies. Kuroo can't see his face properly. "Hinata got an email from Kozume-san saying that the third years were graduating today and he made most of Karasuno come."

Kuroo smirks as he looks around the frozen school. "Really? Because I see no Karasuno crows here." Kuroo takes Tsukishima's hands and slowly lowers them, their faces close to each other. Tsukishima is still breathtakingly beautiful. "Are you sure you didn't come because I asked you to?"

The blond splutters. "I completely forgot you even told me." With Tsukishima is blushing like that, it's hard for Kuroo to believe him.

Kuroo laughs and takes the bouquet from him. "I love the flowers, Tsukki. Thank you for coming."

Tsukishima's hands fidget. "I apologize for bringing such inappropriate flowers, Kuroo-san. You don't really have to love them. I wanted to get other kinds but with the money I had, I could only afford these."

Kuroo shrugs. "Personally, I like white lilies, even if it means commemoration of one's death. They're pretty and white means pure love, you know?"

Tsukishima blushes under the sun and Kuroo truly believes this is the perfect time. Everything has stopped for this moment, and this moment only. It's the perfect time, perfect scene, perfect everything for Kuroo to finally kiss his beautiful blond, his lover, his boyfriend.

He leans in for a kiss, their first one, but Tsukishima stops him at the last second. The moment ruins and Kuroo can hear glass breaking in the distance.

"We're in public, Kuroo-san." Tsukishima hastily whispers and accidentally knocks the white lilies out of Kuroo's hands. The faces start moving again, the trees dance to the rhythm of the wind, and Kuroo is looking longingly at the flowers that are now haphazardly placed on the ground.

Tsukishima crouches down and starts picking up the white lilies with an annoyed expression on his face. Kuroo sees it as humiliation, embarrassment. He crouches down as well.

"I'm sorry. The flowers are ruined now." Tsukishima says with his head down, focusing on the anything other than the man in front of him.

Kuroo smiles softly. "As long as you're here, I don't think I care." Unable to stop himself, he gives his lover a small peck on the cheek. Tsukishima retaliates as he lands on his butt. He's covering his face with his hand, trying his best to cover the wild expression he can't help but have. Kuroo stares, loving each and every detail of it.

"Kuroo-san, I just told you we're in public." He hisses.

"Im sorry. I couldn't help myself." Kuroo chuckles and he lends out a hand to Tsukishima, to let him hold it and have the support to let him stand up with him again. Tsukishima looks at it for a second before turning his head in a small tantrum and standing up on his own. Kuroo rolls his eyes but retracts his hand back.

He puts his hands to his head and relaxes his stance. "So, what's my graduation gift?" He asks casually and Tsukishima pushes his glasses up uncomfortably.

Kuroo rolls his eyes once more and smiles. "I was joking, Tsukki. You didn't have to bring me anything."

Tsukishima begins to fidget with his two hands in front of him. Kuroo looks at the gesture adorably. "Actually, I had something in mind." Tsukishima says.

At that, Kuroo can't help but feel curiosity. It's not everyday Tsukishima would act so nervous. "Did you really? What did you get me?"

Tsukishima bites his lip, his hands still fidgeting. "Can you follow me?" Kuroo nods, Tsukishima takes his wrist, and the blond starts to drag the black-haired man impatiently. Kuroo enjoys the action and purposely drags his feet to make it more difficult. Along the way, he high-fives Yaku, who's currently scolding Lev even further, and ruffles Kenma's hair. His childhood friend looks miffed but when he sees Tsukishima in front, he rolls his eyes and goes back to pretending to be social even though his hands twitch to grab his game player from his pocket.

"Kuroo-san, you're doing this on purpose, aren't you?" Tsukishima hisses and Kuroo merely lifts his shoulders lazily. Tsukishima groans but they go inside Nekoma High School, where no one resides anymore. They're all outside, teachers and students alike, patting each other for comfort, hugging each other for the warmth of the other who will soon leave them, and crying for all the memories they've made.

Tsukishima pulls on Kuroo once more, this time as hard as he can, and Kuroo's back hits the locker. He finds himself getting pinned by the much thinner, taller blond, whose face is still red. Kuroo notes that he's gone thinner than before. But then again, his eyes could be tricking him.

There's also the fact that before Kuroo can process it, Tsukishima's lips are on his, and they stay there for merely three seconds. And in those three seconds, Kuroo forgets to breath.

The moment is over too quickly, and the two are looking at each other intensely. It's silent, not even the background noise, which should ruminate angrily, is audible.

Then, "Congratulations on graduating, Kuroo-san," and the blond leaves before Kuroo can reach his hand out and grab him close, close to him so he can never let his lover go.

Kuroo waits one, two, three seconds before rushing out the door and into the open once more. People don't pay him attention and his desperate eyes search for the gold, sparkling blond fruitlessly. He goes to Kenma, who is getting pushed by Lev, and grabs onto his shoulder.

He's out of breath, though he hasn't run at all. "Where's Tsukki?" He gasps out and Kenma looks at him weirdly.

"He ran out just a second ago. Seemed like he was in a hurry too. What did you this time, Kuroo?" Kenma accuses immediately and Kuroo scoffs, offended.

" _I_ did nothing. It was Tsukki." Kuroo points to the sunset. "Tsukki was the one who -"

Lev cuts him off. "What could Tsukishima possibly do, Kuroo-san? He's even more inactive than Kenma-san himself."

"Lev! Are you insulting your seniors again?" Yaku shouts out suddenly, having heard the conversation from afar, and Lev stops short. The smallest of the group barges into the group and pulls Lev by the ear. Lev cries apologies that Yaku doesn't hear and Kuroo is still holding Kenma by the shoulder for support.

Kenma winces when the grip gets stronger. "Kuroo, let go. You're hurting me."

Kuroo isn't listening. Soon enough, his face goes red and the glistening sunset makes it clearer. For Kenma, it's a rare sight. "He - He just - I - I -"

"Kuroo, you're not speaking full sentences. What happened?" Kenma asks once more, and finally, Kuroo's grip loosens.

His face, still burning, now as a full blown smile. "Kenma, I think I just had my first kiss with Tsukki."

Kenma is not amused. "Think? Why are you such an idiot?" But even he himself can't help but give him a small smile. It's not everyday his childhood friend has such an unmasked, innocent smile like the one he has now.

The sunset is still glowing, sparkling even, as Kuroo looks out in the distance to still try and spot his lover, whom he now loves even more.

* * *

Hey, bro, what's up? How long was I out this time? That long? Wow, but damn was it worth it.

What was it about?

Well, we were in graduation and Tsukki was there with me. He gave me our first kiss as a couple and I ended up chasing after someone I couldn't find. How hilarious.

Hey, why are you looking at me like that? Do I have something on my face?

Hey, what are you looking at?

Hey, who're you? Why are you in my bed?

Bro, did you bring this woman with you? Why is she in my bed? You shouldn't do that, you know, bringing strangers to a flat you share with your best friend. What's Akaashi going to think if he finds out?

Huh? It wasn't you? Wait, are you saying it was me who did it? I would never do that, not when -

What?

.

.

.

You're right. She has a beautiful shade of yellow.

* * *

Kuroo is running, running as fast as he can to the one place he dreads to go. As a sports player, going inside a hospital, a white, barred jail, is absolutely terrifying. He had had several accidents that led him inside this place, and most times than not, the doctors had warned him that any more serious injuries and he would never play volleyball again.

Kuroo isn't the only one to believe that the hospital is a place of crushed dreams and hopeless scenarios. Many of his friends, in fact, agree with him on that. It's no exaggeration when Kuroo says that anything that happens inside a hospital ends in complete disaster.

Now, he wishes his words are completely wrong.

He keeps running, going past the blurs of people, patients, nurses, and doctors, to the one door isolated by the others. The gold placard on the top of the door reads out 'Tsukishima Kei' and Kuroo doesn't know what to do.

He got the message from Sawamura during his second year in university, when he was taking notes on the human body and the abnormalities it could get.

' _Kuroo, I know you're in class but I got a frantic call from Hinata and Yamaguchi saying that Tsukishima suddenly just collapsed. I thought you should know, since you're his boyfriend.'_

Immediately after reading that, he just up and left the room, not heeding the whispers from his classmates nor the screams of one of the strictest teachers in university. Instead, he heeded the word 'collapse' and 'Tsukishima.' The word 'boyfriend' was left hanging in the air.

Now, Kuroo is standing right in front of the door that separated him and his lover, and he dreads going in. His legs starts shaking, his vision is slowly blurring, and his hands are trembling so bad, a few nurses have to stop and ask him if he's ok.

He's not, but he has to lie.

Minutes, hours maybe, must have past before Kuroo can finally catch his breath. The hospital Tsukishima is at and the university Kuroo was residing at must've been at least a 30 minute apart by car. Kuroo doesn't know how he got here so quickly on foot.

A message rings from Kuroo's phone and he jumps slightly before taking it out of his pocket carefully. His heart stops when the name 'Kei' flashes.

 _Are you just going to stand there or are you going to come in?_ Even in a dire situation like this, Kuroo can't help but chuckle at the sarcastic overtone the message contains. He takes one more deep breath before finally placing his hand on the rusty metal door knob and turning it slightly so that the door can open up.

Inside, he sees white, white everywhere, and a sparkling Tsukishima Kei in the middle of it. His body is trapped inside a hard, wooden bed with sheets wrapped around his beautiful, long legs, and Kuroo wants nothing more but to see and caress them. The person himself is merely looking at him with a bored expression but to Kuroo, he sees the sun shining.

"Kuroo-san, I thought you were still in school." Tsukishima says as he beckons Kuroo to come closer. The black-haired man does, and he grabs a chair while he's at him. He places it close to his lover's bed and gingerly takes his hand.

He flinches slightly when he feels the cold, the bones.

"I got a text from Sawamura. He told me you suddenly collapsed during practice."

Tsukishima closes his eyes, refusing to look at Kuroo. "Is that so?" He hums. "I didn't know you and Daichi-san exchanged phone numbers."

"What, are you jealous?" Kuroo can't help but say with a forced smirk. Tsukishima doesn't look.

"No, I just didn't know. I'm guessing Yamaguchi told him."

"Chibi-chan, too."

Tsukishima still doesn't look at him. "Really? Did Daichi-san say he was frantic?"

"Exactly that, actually. How did you know?"

"It was to be expected, really, knowing him. As a third year forced to be with him for who knows how long, it's not hard to figure someone like him out." Tsukishima shrugs. "He was awfully jumpy today in practice, too. I think it was because he and Kageyama perfected another weird duo quick."

Kuroo's ears perk up. "Really? They made another one?"

"It would appear so."

"So, is it as useful as the other three they've made in the past? What did it look like?" Kuroo asks and he feels Tsukishima hesitate.

"I wouldn't know. My vision was already blurry at that point." Tsukishima whispers and turns his head to the side so that Kuroo can't see his tears running down. Kuroo's grip on Tsukishima's hand tightens.

"Hey, look at me." He says but Tsukishima still has his eyes closed. He tries once more. More urgent, more desperate. "Tsukki, look at me. Look at me."

The trees out the window stop moving and the sun suddenly sets, making it pitch dark. Was it already night time? The clock still reads 5 in the afternoon.

"Tsukki, please. Please, just look at me." Kuroo begs and he's too busy looking at his thin, almost stick-like lover to notice the room that has now gone black, with only the two people, the chair, and the bed to color it. The windows are gone, the door is shut, and there is no escape from this black, tightly-sealed box.

"Tsukki, why won't you look at me? Please, look at me. Tell me what's wrong. Why did you collapse? Why are you so thin?" Kuroo begs. He begs and cries and begs once more for his lover to look at him. The gold around Tsukishima slowly starts to fade and the sparkles around him dim as he still refuses to look at Kuroo.

"Tsukki, please." Kuroo's energy gone, he whispers quietly, his grip on his lover loosening and both of their heartbeats lowering.

Finally, _finally_ , Tsukishima turns back and opens his eyes. With Kuroo's head lowered, Tsukishima has to hold it back up with his other hand. It's too weak.

They both look at each other intensely. Kuroo can't help but notice his blond, golden eyes dimming into a rusty brown.

It's soon black.

"I - "

Kuroo can't hear the next words Tsukishima says as the blur intensifies, the dark room shrinks, and Kuroo is spiraling down an endless pit, calling for a name that isn't there anymore.

He spiral down, unable to be hear anything, but that one words rings inside his mind. He falls, but the word follows him down, follows him, until he splatters into a million pieces, the word stabbing him all the while.

 _I'm dying._

* * *

Help me, I can't stop crying. I don't think I can stop.

I need another. I need another one. Please, just give me another one. I just can't stop. They won't stop falling. I'm still crying and I want to stop.

Bro, please, please let me have one more. It's too painful, I can't stop crying, I can't stop thinking about it. Please, I didn't think I would remember that. I need something happy. Please let me have one more.

It's going to give me something happy next time. I swear, it will. Just please, I need it. I fucking need it. I want it to stop. I want it to fucking stop.

It hurts. It fucking hurts. I want to stop crying.

I want it to stop hurting.

* * *

"Megane-kun, help us practice, will you?" Kuroo calls out as he sees Tsukishima Kei walk past the third gymnasium in Shinzen High School. The glasses wearing blond stops for a second as he knows he's the one being called to. He then turns around and has an extremely annoyed expression on his face, one that Kuroo is very familiar with.

He believes its the only face expression he's seen from the blond yet. He get curious; he wants to see what else the blond may have.

"Why does it have to be me?" Tsukishima asks, his miffed look unchanged.

Kuroo points to his best friend. "This owl here needs to have a blocker and I can't help because I'm shaping on of my own teammates up." When Tsukishima doesn't look like he's changing his mind, Kuroo smiles slyly. "Besides, you're a middle blocker aren't you? Aren't you supposed to block?"

His smile grows bigger when Tsukishima's expression upgrades from annoyed to plain out angered. He walks slowly, haughtily up the stairs and into the gym. Kuroo's best friend, Bokuto Koutarou, gives him a thumbs up and Kuroo examines Tsukishima's back curiously, running his stare up and down, taking in every detail.

He can't help but love all the bumps and curves the blond has. He wants to know more.

Practice ends early; Kuroo's manipulation skills finally fail him as he steps on an unknown land mine in Tsukishima. The blond smiles, tells him he's basically not good enough for volleyball, and leaves the gym as if he doesn't know any of them.

Kuroo refuses to have that. He refuses to let the blond leave without his knowing more of the tall, mysterious blond.

He chases after Tsukishima without a second thought. Bokuto and Akaashi, a black haired student with similar facial expressions as Tsukishima, look at his retreating form and both shrug at each other before turning around and finishing their night practice.

Kuroo sees the blond's body, all bumps and curves intact, and reaches for Tsukishima's wrist. The blond jerks to a stop and looks over his shoulder in surprise.

"What are you doing?" He asks, his eyes subtly wide in puzzlement.

Kuroo himself doesn't seem to know. His voice is automatic. "I'm sorry if I offended you in any way. I didn't know I was talking about such a heavy topic."

Tsukishima looks away. "I don't know what you're talking about. I'm fine. There's no need to apologize. You were just stating the truth; no matter what, I'm not going to beat Hinata."

Kuroo lets go of Tsukishima's wrist and begins to rub the back of his neck. "I never would've thought."

Tsukishima's eyebrow lifts. "Never would have thought what?"

"That you would ever consider yourself inferior to Chibi-chan."

"It can't be helped, can it?" Tsukishima's words are sharp like a bullet whizzing past one's brain. "Hinata has more potential than I. Of course I could never beat him. I don't have raw talent like he does."

"But you're smarter, calmer, more strategic than he is." Kuroo immediately rebuts and Tsukishima actually looks surprised this time. A new facial expression that Kuroo makes sure to remember. He continues, "Chibi-chan may have the talent for volleyball, but you have all the brains and brawn. You have the knowledge and the height, which is already more than Chibi-chan will ever have."

"Kuroo-san, this isn't like you." Tsukishima says and Kuroo's ears ring. It's the first time Tsukishima's ever called out his name.

He wants more.

"Say that again." He growls and Tsukishima hears a menacing tone lacing Kuroo's regular slick voice. He begins to step back, away from the black haired man. Kuroo immediately takes a step forward to close the temporarily made gap.

"Say what again?" Tsukishima asks in confusion, continuing to take a step back, only to end his back to the wall of the second gymnasium and Kuroo trapping him with his broader body. Tsukishima squirms uncomfortably.

"My name." Kuroo answers and his eyes flash like that of a wild animal.

Tsukishima stops his movement. "What?" He asks in confusion.

"My name. Say my name again." Kuroo repeats and he's becoming more desperate. He pushes his body closer to Tsukishima's and cuts off any more movement that Tsukishima might have.

"Why?" Tsukishima looks like he wants to buy time.

"Just say it." Kuroo is getting impatient now. The scenery around them turns blacker by the second and soon enough, it's dark enough to make it seem as if there's nothing.

"I don't understand, I -"

Kuroo can't take it anymore. He smashes his lips into Tsukishima's, pushing his body so close that there is no gap between them whatsoever. Tsukishima's shocked for a second, his lips opening slightly in the shock that overtakes him for a second, and Kuroo uses that second to slip his tongue in.

It becomes a battle of tongue, who is the more dominant. Kuroo eventually wins but by then, both are out of breath and too turned on to continue with kissing only. Kuroo tries to remember a place in the school where they can be alone and undisturbed.

And after fruitlessly searching around the pitch dark area with his wild eyes, he looks back to the wall where his precious blond is and realizes with wide eyes that all this time, he's been trapping nothing with his body. Tsukishima's suddenly gone.

He calls out; he was sure they had just had an intense make out sessions; he was sure he had Tsukishima wrapped around his finger.

He calls, screams, shouts Tsukishima's name in the dark. He grows scared.

"Tsukki, where are you? Where the fuck did you go?" He howls and abruptly, all the color returns as Kuroo can finally see the area again; the trees, the grass, the wall to the second gymnasium, and Tsukishima standing right in front of him.

He's smiling. "You finally said my name." And this time, Tsukishima kisses him first.

* * *

What do you mean the first time we kissed wasn't when we were in the summer training camp? I remember it, I was still in my third year and Kei was in first! I ended up offending him and I chased after him, remember?

I never talked to him about it? Then when did I…

I don't understand, what are you talking about? My first kiss with him wasn't when I graduated! It's not me that's wrong, I should know best! I was the one dating him!

What? What do you mean do I remember his surprised face? Of course I do!

Describe it? Well, he… He had… He…

Give me a second. I just need a second to remember. He… He…

Don't touch me, I'm fine!

I'm fine…

.

.

.

I need to be alone.

Don't come into my room.

* * *

"White lilies. Appropriate." Tsukishima says as Kuroo walks into his hospital room. It's still as dull and pale as he remembers it to be. He shouldn't be surprised at this point. He was here yesterday as well; he should know better than to expect any change.

Kuroo lays the white lilies he bought from the flower shop a few blocks back onto Tsukishima's bed sheets to change at least something.

Tsukishima puts down the book he's reading (Kuroo reads the title - it reads _Love at First Sight: Myth or Reality?_ ) to look at the already dying flowers on his no longer working legs.

"They're pretty." He comments as he takes one of them by the hand and starts twirling the stem.

"Sorry." Kuroo says as he rubs the back of his neck awkwardly. "It was the only thing I could get with the money I had in my pocket. I promise I'll bring something nicer next time."

"Don't bother, you're just wasting your money on me."

Kuroo has to gulp down his anger. "Don't say that. You're making it seem like you're not going to make it. Don't think like that, Tsukki."

"Kuroo-san." Tsukishima says in a such a deadly, serious tone that Kuroo can't ignore it with a simple turn of a head. They look at each other intensely, but Kuroo is missing the warmth of Tsukishima's golden eyes. "Just accept the fact that I'm going to d -"

"Don't say it!" Kuroo screams, shocking Tsukishima so badly that his lips clamp shut and the flowers all tumble down to the floor from the sudden flinching of his legs. Kuroo looks at the fallen white lilies angrily, scrunching his eyes so tightly to block any wetness from flowing out.

"Don't say it. Just don't." Kuroo says quietly, his fists clenched until they're white. Tsukishima can't bear to see him like this; he must hate it, because he's the one to reach out and cover his hand with Kuroo's.

Kuroo looks up and sees Tsukishima smiling.

He's actually smiling. Kuroo doesn't remember the last time he's done that.

"Kuroo-san, please accept it. I can't have you brooding over this. I need you to move on."

Kuroo shakes his head violently. Tsukishima's glow isn't there anymore. It's dimming, and no matter how much Kuroo stares, he can't help but admit that the light shining above the blond is no longer there.

His head lowers and he's crying. "I can't, Tsukki. I can't. I just can't move on."

"Kuroo-san, there's nothing else you can do. You have to."

"And if I don't want to?" Kuroo whispers, mostly to himself than to his partner next to him. He lifts his head to let Tsukishima see his sorrowful tears. "And if I don't want to?" He yells and grips Tsukishima's hand tighter than before. It's nothing but bones now.

Tsukishima flinches. "Kuroo-san, you're hurting me."

Kuroo doesn't listen. His grip is so hard it feels like he's going to break Tsukishima's fingers. His long, slim, yet boney fingers. "I'm not moving on because you're not leaving me!"

They're no longer in Tsukishima's room inside the hospital. Suddenly they're floating, but to where, Kuroo can't distinguish because no matter where he looks, it's just dark and black. He holds onto Tsukishima's hand because he feels like he's going to lose his lover in this pit of darkness if he ever lets go. He feels like, if he lets go, Tsukishima will immediately cross over to the other side. And that's something Kuroo can never accept.

"Kuroo-san, get a grip on reality!" Tsukishima also yells and that's enough to snap Kuroo back into the hospital room. He lets go of the blond's hand and sees the red bruising marks he's made on those delicate hands. Tsukishima takes his hand back and caresses it, protects it so that Kuroo can't anymore.

"Kuroo-san, just stop. Stop this right now. Either you accept it or just leave this room right now." Tsukishima says coldly without looking at him. Kuroo's heart stops and the only thing he can look at is his lover's trembling hands. Slowly, he lifts his head to meet Tsukishima's and he sees that he's crying. It seems both of them are.

"Tsukki, you can't mean that, can you?" Tsukishima says nothing. Kuroo presses forward. "Tsukki, you can't just say that to me. You know I can't do either of that!"

"Either accept it or leave, Kuroo-san. I'm not making myself any clearer." Tsukishima says in the same cold tone but it's slightly shaking.

"Tsukki…" Kuroo trails off. "Kei." Hands stop trembling and Tsukishima closes his eyes. One measly tear falls down his cheeks and Kuroo wipes it away delicately. "I'll love you forever. You know that, right?"

Tsukishima is quiet for a moment but his lips are trembling violently. "Yes." He finally answers and Kuroo peels Tsukishima's hands to match his own. He intertwines them together and silently begs Tsukishima to look at him.

He kisses the palm of Tsukishima's hand and then to the red marks he had made. He pecks and pecks, all the areas, all the hurt, until there's nowhere else to kiss. He then pulls the blond's hand closer to his heart and both feel the beating of Kuroo's chest.

"I love you, Tsukishima Kei."

At this point, Tsukishima is doing the best he can to not let the chokes of silent screams and cries mar his vocal chords.

"I love you, too." He whispers and the room is left at that; both of them floating in a pit of nothingness but hugging each other so closely, not even the meanest of gods could separate them.

* * *

He told me he loved me! I never left! I never fucking left! You have no proof! You don't!

Stop, just stop. I didn't leave. I never left. He gave me a choice and I ignored it. I never fucking left the room. Stop lying to me. Stop trying to make me feel bad.

 _I TOLD YOU I NEVER FUCKING LEFT HIS ROOM!_

.

.

.

I didn't. I was there. I took his hand, we hugged, and everything was ok.

Why are you so intent on lying to me? Why are you trying to prove?

I'm going overboard with this? I don't think I am. I think it's you who should get the fuck off my back. I think I can separate reality from hallucinations just fine.

I know I never left the room. I know it. There's no way I'd abandon him like that. Not when he was so close to… To…

I never went to you. Never.

I would never abandon him. Not even if he begged. Not even if he cried. I would never.

Why are you shaking your head? Why are you telling me it's not true?

Why did I ever leave?

* * *

"Kuroo-san, you're too heavy. Are exercising properly?" The black-haired man hums as he slowly opens his eyes. They meet beautiful gold along the way, a color he can't help but get sucked into.

"I am." He replies and the man looking at him rolls his beautiful gold, sparkly eyes. Kuroo shifts his head a bit to make both himself and his lover's thighs more comfortable. There's a bit thinner than before but Kuroo leaves it. Instead, he asks himself when he had lied down on the man's legs. He must've slept unknowingly on their date.

"You're a terrible liar, Kuroo-san." The man replies and Kuroo slightly laughs. The sun glows and the grass around them starts to sparkle. So does the man himself.

"Tsukki, you of all people should know that that phrase itself is a lie." Kuroo says with a laugh and Tsukishima Kei, Kuroo Tetsuuro's lover, gives him a small, minuscule smile. It takes Kuroo's breath away.

Tsukishima's poker face returns. "Will you please get off me now? I wasn't lying when I said you were too heavy."

"Aw, don't you like the weight of your own boyfriend's head?" Kuroo teases and Tsukishima harrumphs.

"No. Now please get off me." Tsukishima says once more and Kuroo laughs at his annoyed expression. He knows Tsukishima still loves him, still wants him there, but still complies as he lifts his head from Tsukishima's thighs and leans on his side, next to his lover.

"What a bummer. I liked lying down on your thighs." Kuroo pouts but Tsukishima gazes out in the distance with a glossy look.

"My legs were hurting, Kuroo-san. They're not as strong as they used to be." He says distantly and Kuroo's eyebrows scrunch up.

Kuroo clears his throat to get rid of the awkward atmosphere. "So, Tsukki." He begins as he puts his head on his hand. "What else do you want to do for our two year anniversary?"

He shrugs. "Whatever you want, Kuroo-san. I already pitched my idea so it's your turn."

Kuroo smiles. "Yeah, your picnic idea was nice. The sun's out and it's so warm. I love it."

Tsukishima suddenly furrows his eyebrows. Kuroo looks at him in confusion. "What's wrong?" The black haired man asks. There's something pooling in his gut and he suddenly feels the urge to vomit. His head is ringing.

"What sun? Kuroo-san, it's been raining the entire time."

And Tsukishima's gone. Kuroo jumps from his position, looking around in panic, and realizes the water hitting his skin like bricks. The sound is unbearable as well. It just keeps ringing against his sensitive ears. _Bang, bang, bang._ The only sound he hears.

He tries his best to lift his head and see the damage, see how long it will take for the rain to stop, but as he looks up, he only sees those grey, grey clouds pooling around the sky.

Kuroo immediately looks back down, wiping his face from the immense amount of water only to get hit by more. He then looks up and there is nothing. It's pitch dark, all the trees and the grass are lost, and Tsukishima is nowhere to be seen.

Kuroo shouts, "Tsukki! Tsukki, where are you?", but there's no response. He blinks for a split second to get the water out of his eyes but as soon as he opens them, there is no rain hurting him, there are no clouds threatening him, and there is no Tsukishima to be with him.

There is nothing left for him.

* * *

Where's the sunshine? Where's my sunshine?

Bro, why is it raining so hard? I still hear it. The banging. Make it stop. Make it stop.

It's not raining?

Maybe it's just me.

Bro, why did Tsukki suddenly leave?

No, I'm not talking about that. He just left during our picnic. He just up and left, and left me alone in the rain. Why?

That one time, remember? Our two year anniversary.

Wait, you're confusing me. What do you mean? The picnic was our one year anniversary? So then, what was our two-year one?

.

.

.

Stop, I don't need anymore. I think I know what you're talking about.

I don't like it.

I'm going to my room.

Let go. I'm fine. I'm just going to sleep.

I don't care if you're worried or don't believe me. Just leave me alone.

I'm ok. I'm ok.

* * *

"Kuroo-san." Tsukishima whispers and Kuroo doesn't look at his lover even though he knows that the blond is struggling to speak.

"Yeah?" He instead answers, eyes closed, and his arms hugging his body tightly.

"I would like to go outside."

Kuroo turns around to see eye to eye with Tsukishima Kei, lying down on the hard, wooden bed, barely able to open his beautiful, golden eyes. A fatal mistake; Kuroo wants to cry now.

"It's snowing, Tsukki. You'd freeze the moment I take you out the hospital." Kuroo says in dread, but Tsukishima is shaking his head weakly.

"Kuroo-san, I would like to go outside. I want to see the snow."

"It's dark, too. I don't think you'd be able to see anything." Kuroo tries to persuade but Tsukishima is determined. So determined that he tries to lifts his body and sit up straight. Kuroo rushes to him and helps him up carefully.

He feels nothing but bones.

"Kuroo-san, I want to go outside." Kuroo looks at his lover sorrowfully. The blond is looking at his expectedly, his eyes open wide enough for Kuroo to see his pitch black irises. When was the last time he could see gold? Even his hair seems duller than before.

Kuroo sighs. "Why do you do this to me, Tsukki? I can't just let you out, not when you're in this state. When you get better, I promise to take you outside."

"Kuroo-san, please." Tsukishima asks and both can hear the unsaid ' _I'm not going to get better'_ hanging in the air. Kuroo bites his lip in conflict and agony. Finally, he nods.

"Ok, Tsukki. For you." Tsukishima smiles bigger, but not that much. "But, we're going back inside and keeping you warm and bundled up as soon as you see the snow, ok?" Kuroo immediately adds and while the smile dims, Tsukishima nods.

Carefully, Kuroo lifts Tsukishima bridal style and he's beyond surprised at how light Tsukishima has become. His long, beautiful legs have shriveled, his torso even more so, and his face is so hollow, one could get lost in them.

He puts Tsukishima onto the wheelchair and quickly wraps at least three bedsheets around him, as well as a scarf, a wooly hat he had once made in home ec, and another red blanket. Tsukishima doesn't complain because he's still slightly shivering from the cold.

Kuroo slowly starts to push the wheelchair and Tsukishima begins to slump and find a better, more comfortable position. The people around them, in the corridor and the lobby all look at them, whether from pity or sympathy, Kuroo can't distinguish.

The nurses and doctors are close to preventing him from leaving with his lover at hand.

"He wants to see the snow." He says and the pain in his voice, the cracking, is enough to let the nurses step aside and the doctors to have a blind eye for the action he's about to make.

Soon enough, they're at the exit door.

"Are you ready, Tsukki?" He asks, gripping the handles harder than he should.

There isn't an answer for a couple of seconds and Kuroo has to check to see if he's sleeping. Tsukishima's eyes are closed and the rise in his chest is barely visible, especially with the layers of blankets Kuroo had put around him.

Then, "Yes, I am." Tsukishima breathes out, muffled against the scarf wrapped around his neck and a third of his face. Kuroo tries to remember the last time Tsukishima had left the hospital. It must have been at least a several months. He wonders if Tsukishima can detect the changes that had happened since then.

Kuroo pushes the wheelchair forward and the automatic doors open up for them, as if to welcome them into a winter wonderland.

Kuroo peers out the distance and sees that the snow has accumulated enough for little children who were forced to reside in the hospital as well to begin snow fights.

Soon, he hears Tsukishima gasp. He then breathes out and Kuroo sees the wisp of the blond's breath color the scene. It's white, just like the scenery below them.

"It's beautiful." He breathes out and Kuroo nods. He lets go of the handles of the wheelchair and walks to the side of his lover, who is still entranced by the purely white snow surrounding him.

He gently holds Tsukishima's hand underneath the mountain of blankets. "Are you happy?"

Tsukishima's eyes crinkle and finally, Kuroo sees Tsukishima's old, pure smile. It spreads out widely and Kuroo can even see Tsukishima's pearly white teeth gleaming. The glow is back, even though it isn't clear enough to see without squinting, but for Kuroo, that means the world.

There's still hope, he thinks. There's still a chance.

"I wish we were back in Nagasaki. We had arrived when the weather just as warm as in the spring, even though it was winter. It feels like our one-year anniversary was just yesterday. Had that much time really passed since we began to date?" Tsukishima asks and Kuroo's eyes widen.

"Wait, is today -"

Kuroo's words are cut off with Tsukishima's unmasked chuckle. "Happy two-year anniversary, Tetsuroo-san." And the snow melts away as Kuroo presses his warm lips against Tsukishima's cold ones, pressing delicately, gently, yet firmly until he can fully express the love he has for this tall, golden blond in front of him.

* * *

I NEED MORE.

LET ME GO, I NEED TO HAVE MORE.

I NEED TO SEE TSUKKI.

LET ME SEE TSUKKI.

Let me…

Let me see him.

I need to see him. I need to.

Please, let me hear him say my name again.

Please.

* * *

"Tsukki? Tsukki, where are you? Tsukki?" Kuroo shouts into the darkness. Where is he? Where is his beloved lover?

He screams, he shouts, he howls, howling until his voice gets swallowed up by the darkness.

Tsukki, he needs to have find his Tsukki.

"Kuroo-san? Where are you? It's too dark, I can't see anything. Kuroo-san? Kuroo-san, where are you?" Tsukishima's voice echoes and Kuroo's eyes try to find a light, anything that can help him see, so that he can find his lover in this pitch dark box.

Kuroo desperately claws at his throat, so hard that he draws blood from it. he feels the sickly substance slowly trailing down his neck and onto his chest and torso. He feels the blood quickly crusting over his fingertips, his nails, and Kuroo finds it unbearable hot and heavy.

He keeps clawing. Anything to get him to speak, to call out, to scream out Tsukishima's give name and tell him they'll be together for an eternity past.

"Kuroo-san, I can't find you. It's so cold. I can't see. I can't move. Why is it so cold? Kuroo-san, where are you?" Tsukishima's cries of despair wash over the black haired man as he tries to run to that direction, to the direction where Tsukishima can be heard.

Something grabs ahold of him and he's suddenly being dragged down.

No, he wants to cry out. I need to get to Tsukki.

He tries to find a ledge or anything he can grab onto and pull himself back up. He needs to pull himself back up because Tsukishima's distressed cries are getting louder, more torturous.

"Kuroo-san, it hurts. It's so cold. Where are you? Why aren't you coming?"

I'm here, Kuroo wants to shout. I'm here and there's nothing more I want to do than to run to you and to comfort you. Let go of me, you bastard, I need to go!

But the bastard that holds him down doesn't let go. Instead, tip pushes its tips harder into Kuroo's skin, to the point where Kuroo truly believes there are nails pinning him down. There's more blood pouring out of his body; even in the darkness, Kuroo can feel himself getting weaker from the blood loss.

"Kuroo-san, did you just never love me?"

I love you, Kuroo begs to say. I love you with all that I have, you should know that, Tsukki. You should know!

But it doesn't, because Tsukishima Kei is crying for the fake love they must've had the entire time. Kuroo cries, tears falling into an endless pit where nothing can be seen again, and slowly, his whole body is dragged down, swallowing him whole.

He begins to choke for air but something goes inside his mouth, filling his lungs with a substance that prevents hims from breathing any further.

He chokes, his nails scratching a ground that he can't see, and while he's being dragged down, he still hears the wails of Tsukishima Kei, begging for Kuroo to come back to him.

He's then swallowed whole.

* * *

Give me more. I need more.

I don't like this.

Where's my happy ending? Where's my sunshine?

Where's my Tsukki?

* * *

When Kuroo blinks, Tsukishima is right in front of him, looking at him blankly. He's gained weight, a lot of it actually. He looks more healthy than when Kuroo's ever known him. It makes his heart swell.

There's still hope. There's still a chance.

Kuroo takes a step forward. Tsukishima doesn't react. "Tsukki, I -" He begins but he's cut off by Tsukishima himself.

"Why did you leave me, Kuroo-san?"

Kuroo's mouth hangs open. "W-What? Tsukki, what are you talking about? I never left you!"

Tsukishima's expression doesn't change. It's a poker face, nothing else marring it. "Why did you leave me, Kuroo-san? Why did you leave me alone?"

"I never left you alone, Tsukki! I never -"

"Are you really justified to call me that, Kuroo-san? Can you really call me that now?"

Kuroo doesn't know what to do. He's panicking. "Call you what? Tsukki? Tsukki, that's what I've been calling for the entire time we've dated! What're you -"

"Did you ever really love me?" Tsukishima asks in a deadpan voice and the glass walls around them crash with a sudden bang. The glass is breaking all at once and Kuroo has to hold his ears shuts to block out the horrible, loud noise around him.

The glass keep breaking. Tsukishima does nothing. Doesn't move, doesn't react, doesn't say anything as Kuroo crouches down to _make the fucking noise stop._

It just keeps breaking. "Did you ever really love me?" Tsukishima asks, amidst the horrendous cacophony around Kuroo, and he can hear it as clear the sky-blue day.

Kuroo looks up in pain, his hands still covering his ears, and the glass just keeps breaking. "I always loved you." He whispers and closes his eyes shuts when another shard falls.

Tsukishima steps forward and crouches down in front of a shaking Kuroo. "Then why did you leave me alone?"

The glass stays in place and Kuroo finally let hands fall to his side. He can't stop crying. "What are you saying? I never left you alone, Tsukki."

"Really?" Tsukishima says in a hollow voice and right before Kuroo's eyes, the blond's figure slowly changes. His body becomes thinner, his skin becomes tighter, and he's changing until Kuroo can only see bones and little mass.

In front of him, Kuroo sees the last image he has of Tsukishima Kei on his deathbed. He finally understands what Tsukishima means.

He covers his face with his hands. He can't bear to see the blond like that anymore. "I'm sorry, Tsukki. I'm so sorry." He repeats and boney hands take control of his wrists. They're lowered and Kuroo is forced to see the image of a skeleton-like Tsukishima.

"Why did you leave me behind, Kuroo-san?" Tsukishima asks and Kuroo shakes his head.

"I don't know, I just don't know." He cries.

The glass stars breaking again but Tsukishima won't let Kuroo cover his ears again. Instead, he makes Kuroo look straight into his pitch black eyes.

"Why did you leave me behind, Tetsuroo-san?" And Kuroo finds himself screaming even louder than the shards breaking around him.

* * *

I can't do this anymore.

I want Kei back.

Give me my Kei back.

* * *

"Tetsuroo-san, I love you."

Boney hands weakly wipe the tears that are flooding down Kuroo's cheeks. He nods. "I know, Tsukki. I know." He whispers as he takes the boney hand and places it onto his cheek. He begs the gods to let the warmth seep into this cold hand and he begs them to save his lover.

"I… want to go outside."

Kuroo's eyes widen. He can't stop crying. "You know I can't do that, Tsukki. You know I can't. Not when you're like this. Not like this."

Tsukishima Kei slowly begins to close his eyes. Kuroo panics and tries his best to open them up as much as he can.

"Tsukki, stay with me. Stay with me!"

"Tetsuroo-san, do you ever wonder about your death?"

"What?" Kuroo asks in surprise and sees Tsukishima staring at him with his black yet slightly golden-tinted eyes.

"Because I'm thinking about it right now."

"Tsukki, stop."

"And I'm thinking that… That I don't want to die." Tsukishima starts crying. Kuroo doesn't know what to do than to collapse onto the side of the bed, still holding Tsukishima's boney, cold hand.

"I don't want to die… Because then… it means I wouldn't be able to see you again."

"Tsukki, stop. You're not dying. You're not." When there's no response, Kuroo looks up and sees the golden tint in Tsukishima's irises slowly dim.

"Kei, don't leave me behind."

But by then, it's too late. Tsukishima's eyes slowly close and the small rise of his chest stops. The flatline rings in Kuroo's ears and he's screaming at everyone, anyone to help his lover breath again.

But by then, Tsukishima Kei has already left the world and Kuroo behind.

* * *

 _I can't._

* * *

"I'm sorry. We could do nothing to save your friend."

"No."

"I'm so sorry."

"No. No, no, no! That's not true! It's not possible! He - He's not supposed to die!"

"Sir, please -"

"He just needed a little more to cope. Just a little more to help him be happy again. What's wrong with that? What's wrong with trying to be happy again?"

"I'm so sorry."

"… What did he die of, exactly?"

"Overdose. He overdosed on LSD. By the time we got to him, it was already too late. He was gone a long time ago."

"…"

"Was there… Any particular reason for his actions?"

"… He had a boyfriend. I guess the term 'lover' was more accurate. He had a lover but he died from cancer. It was incurable and even though Kuroo spent every single penny on him to try and get a cure, it was all for nothing. I guess he never really did move on."

"I'm so sorry."

"I feel like such an idiot. I was there the entire time. I could've helped him with his drug addiction. Instead, I just let it happen, all because he and I were both convinced that the drug could make him happy again."

"Sir…"

"After Tsukishima's death, Kuroo was never the same. The next thing you know, he's hooking up with women who look like Tsukki, and taking that fucking drug every time he was feeling sad or was thinking about him. I could've helped him cope with it. But I just let it happen because I was a coward."

"You didn't know what to do, sir. It's not your fault."

"I could've helped him. He just wouldn't let anyone else suffer. He could've talked to any of us, me, Akaashi, even Kozume, but he just kept it all in. There were so many options. Why would he choose that?"

"Sir, while it may not be the answer you want to hear, a person almost always chooses the worst path for the worst feeling. It's how humans work, it's not something we can change."

"... You're right. That wasn't the answer I wanted."

"You can't beat yourself up for this. You couldn't have known."

"Really? Because it was happening right in front of my eyes. It was happening right there, the room right next to me, and he always came to me. He came to me, asking for help, asking for comfort, and I did absolutely nothing. I hit him, smacked his face so many times I've lost count, but it still couldn't do anything. He still took those drugs and I just sat there and watched."

"Sir, please calm down."

"... He told me he just wanted to be happy. And we both truly thought that with only a few doses, he would achieve that. I never thought... I never actually thought he would go so far with this. Why didn't I know? Why couldn't I stop it?"

"Bokuto-san."

"Akaashi?"

"We should go. Thank you, doctor."

"Akaashi, when did you come here? Wait, I'm not done talking. Let me go!"

"Bokuto-san, there is nothing either of us can do right now. Please, let's go before things get worse."

"Akaashi, I..."

"I know, Bokuto-san. I know."

"I just... I don't think I can handle this. I'm so sorry. I couldn't help our friend. I couldn't help him when he needed me most. I was his roommate and I just..."

"I know."

"What am I going to do now?"

"... I don't know, Bokuto-san. I just don't know."

"I miss those two already, goddamn it. I miss them already."

"..."

"I'm not ready to move on."

* * *

 **So, what did you think? Good, bad, meh? Tell me in the reviews :)**

 **Once again, I don't really know much about drugs, much less drug abuse and overdose, so if I got anything, please accept my sincerest apologies.**

 **I understand if you got a bit confused with the whole jumping time schemes, but I figured hallucinations would keep in time with reality, so I wanted to make it as inconsistent as possible. To clear some things up: Tsukishima died during his third year of high school and Kuroo died a few months after. Bokuto was the person Kuroo was talking to all this time after his hallucinations ended and at the end, it's Bokuto talking with a doctor.**

 **If you have any other questions, feel free to ask in the reviews or PM and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.**

 **Anyways, I really hope you liked it and tell me if I should write any more Haikyuu fics :) I can't promise that the next time might be happy, but I really do love Haikyuu (as much as I love KnB) and if you like this story, maybe I can write more. Who knows :D**

 **Peace,**

 **FlyAndDontLookBack**


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